On Missing Someone...

today is a very gloomy day for me. probably it has something to do with starting the day with tears on my eyes.

i dreamed of my sister this morning, just before i woke up. she looks so alive in my dream. i can clearly see her long wavy hair and her cheery smile. we talked. i did not ask her with the why's that the whole family asked when she passed away, but instead i asked her why did she come back. then, she said, "kasi malulungkot kayo, at saka hindi ninyo na magagawa iyon mga bagay na dati nating ginagawa."

right after she said that, i woke up. i just stayed in bed for a few minutes more and was thinking... i know that my sister is gone, and i have accepted that. what does my dream means? why dreamed of her now?

went to the other room where my friend, erin was sleeping. i opened the door and she woke up, then, we talked. the conversation started with what she did last night, who was sms-ing her, etc. then, i told her i had a weird dream, that i dreamed of minette and she was so alive in my dream. then, i started crying. erin was surprised. it has been more than two months since our dear minette passed away. she began thinking what the dream meant.

two weeks ago i always, almost everyday wake up in the middle of the night. i don't know why... i don't know if it has something to do with my dream...

i also spoke this morning with my friend, raymond. told him about my dream. he also knows about the nights that i wake up in the middle of the night. he said that i might be excited on my family's arrival (for waking up in the middle of the night), and that i only misses my sister (for the dream). he said that yes, we all have accepted the loss, individually i.e. but then, it's another episode when we all see each other and be together to lay my sister in her final resting place.

raymond is probably right, that i am missing my sister. he said that minette is now very happy in the "happy place". when he said this, i cried. maybe because it hit me again that she's really gone, that she already left us. the past couple of days, i was thinking about her, she was very young. she was only 26 years old. i'm tired of asking the why's because it all doesn't matter, she's gone, and the only thing we can do is to pray for her. it is really very difficult for all of us, until now. my dad and my mom was really hurt of what happened. up to now, they are having a hard time sleeping, and thinking maybe of the shoulda-woulda-coulda's. i don't know... we all tried to convince to her stay in ny, but she refused. if she stayed in ny and lived near my parent's place, or if she stayed here in manila, will it make a difference? i don't know... probably not. like what daddy said, "it's maybe her time to be with God. tanggapin na lang natin. nandyan na yan."

it's almost 7pm here in manila, and i still can't help but think and cry over what had happened. i keep thinking of the times that we should have talked, the times that i thought she'd be the next bride in the family, the times that we all planned to spend a holiday together. exactly on this summer season in america, she was suppose to spend a longer vacation with us here in manila, since our baby brother is also coming home on his school break. we were all, the whole family is planning a trip to some place we all haven't been to. it's probably like the times when we all went to the beach when we were kids.

in a few days, we'll be picking up my parents and my brother at the airport. daddy and mommy is bringing minette home.